Looking at Regret Through the Light
by abc79-de
Summary: RJ, set mid season 4. A twist on what brings Jess back to Stars Hollow. Complete.
1. 1

I own nothing. Everything belongs to ASP. Don't we all wish we owned Jess. Sigh.  
  
February 2004  
  
Two men stand in front of an open grave. Neither has said a word since the ceremony finished. The casket was lowered into the frozen ground and everyone had left minutes before. It seemed like hours to them. After a moment longer, the older of the two men grabbed the younger man's elbow and tugged slightly.  
  
"C'mon. Let's go somewhere warmer. You'll freeze out here."  
  
It had just started snowing again. The forecaster had predicted another six inches that night. He really wanted to get to shelter, any shelter, before that started. He knew home wasn't going to be possible for a few more days. That's where he truly wanted to be. Home. No death, just normal routine. He liked routine. This was just too much for him, but he had to think of this boy. Boy-well, he'd always be a boy to him.  
  
"I don't want to go home."  
  
"Then we'll get some coffee. C'mon, it'll be much warmer than this."  
  
"Yeah, alright."  
  
The younger let the older man pull him towards his truck and they got in and waited for the heat to warm them up. It did come on, but it wasn't successful in warming either of them. The coldness they felt wasn't weather related.  
  
Sitting in a booth with their coffee, Luke watched Jess carefully. He hadn't said anything really, the whole two days he'd been there. Luke had gotten the call three days ago, as the only next of kin they could get a hold of, and Luke had called Jimmy's. Jess was on a plane in an hour, and they traveled to New York together. He wished he'd say anything; he worried about him holding this in too.  
  
"So, uh," he cleared his throat, "do you have to be back in California soon?"  
  
"Nah, I got a one-way ticket."  
  
"Cause it's cheaper, or,"  
  
"Cause I thought it'd stick around a while."  
  
"In New York? Alone?"  
  
"New York crossed my mind. So did coming back with you."  
  
"To Stars Hollow?"  
  
"That is where you live, isn't' it?"  
  
Luke didn't want to say anything about Nicole or Litchfield. After he'd had that fight with Lorelai, he'd pretty much decided to stay. He hadn't told her that. Or Nicole. He hadn't talked to either since he got the call. He just closed the diner and left. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.  
  
"Yes, it's where I live. Why would you want to come back?"  
  
"Well, I figure I could go to community college in Hartford. I got my GED."  
  
"Good for you!"  
  
Jess looked sidelong at Luke and raised one eyebrow.  
  
"Seriously, I think college is where you belong. That was sort of the point of the rules I enforced on you. So you'd go somewhere and become something."  
  
"Yeah, well, being in California and seeing Jimmy-the guy runs a hot dog stand. I just, didn't want that to be me."  
  
"Well, I run a diner."  
  
"It's different, I'm not sure how to explain it. I just don't want to be my dad."  
  
Luke nodded. He didn't want Jess to become Jimmy either.  
  
"So, can I come back with you? I mean, after we clean out Liz's stuff?"  
  
Luke looked at Jess. He wanted more than anything for this kid to get a real fresh start. He couldn't even call his parents mom and dad. They didn't deserve it, he knew that. Now his mom was gone, and his dad always had been.  
  
"Yeah. But we aren't going back till this damn snow melts a little."  
  
"Hey Luke?"  
  
"Yeah?" "Thanks."  
  
Later that night-3am. In Liz's apartment.  
  
Luke lay on Liz's old bed. Jess had taken up on the couch, he mumbled something about his old room and took a book and a blanket in the front room. He couldn't sleep, and he knew why. His conscious getting the better of him, he picked up the phone receiver and dialed a number.  
  
"Rory?" yelled the voice on the other end, in a panicked tone.  
  
"No, Lorelai, it's Luke. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."  
  
"Luke, God, its 3am? What the hell is going on?"  
  
"I just, I'm in New York."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"No, it's not what you think. I'm here with Jess."  
  
"Jess? Why is-I thought he was in California."  
  
"Liz died."  
  
"Oh, poor kid-poor you! Are you guys okay?"  
  
"Yeah, the funeral was today. It's sort of a blizzard out there, and we have to clean out the apartment before we go, but we'll be home in a week or so."  
  
"We?"  
  
"Jess isn't going back to California."  
  
"Oh god. Rory."  
  
"Look, she's at school, and he's well, if he bugs her, I'll kill him, okay?"  
  
"No, don't worry about us. Do you need me to do anything for you?"  
  
"Nah, I just didn't want you to break down the diner's door for coffee. I'll have Caesar open in a day or so, now that I know what the situation is. I got the call three days ago, and I sort of went into automatic pilot mode."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"To Liz? She uh, well, they said she just collapsed. She was at work and passed out. The doctors said it was an aneurysm. No pain, just gone."  
  
"I'm so sorry, Luke."  
  
"Thanks. It's late, you should get to sleep."  
  
"You too. Give Jess my condolences, will you?"  
  
"I will. Goodnight."  
  
"Night, Luke."  
  
Day. Liz's place.  
  
Bam. Bam. Bam. Thud. Crash.  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
Luke shot up right out of bed. The light assaulted his eyes. He looked at the nightstand clock to see 11:12am. Why had he slept so long? Probably because he didn't fall asleep till after he talked to Lorelai, he thought groggily to himself on his way out of the bedroom.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What the hell was that?"  
  
He walked into the front room. Jess has several boxed packed up. He was right now lying on the floor under a floor lamp, a couple of blankets and a box. Luke laughed.  
  
"Thanks, Uncle Luke, nice to know you care. Could ya help?"  
  
"What happened? Let me guess, that swan is back?" Luke laughed harder, and started taking the items off of a very pissed Jess.  
  
"No, I was trying to take the bulbs out of the lamp to pack this shit up, and I was standing on the couch, when I lost my balance. I reached out, pulling the lamp down, the blankets on my way, in an attempt to stabilize myself on the way down, and then the box sort of fell off the couch."  
  
"Well, sorry I slept so long. It took me awhile to get to sleep."  
  
"Yeah, I just sort of read all night."  
  
"Jess, have you slept, uh, at all lately?"  
  
Jess shook his head.  
  
Luke decided to let him talk when he was ready, and started helping him pack the rest of the apartment. It couldn't be easy on the kid, no matter how much he hated his mom.  
  
Liz's place. The last night in New York.  
  
They'd been in New York a week. They got out of the apartment; it was too loaded with boxes to really move around in it. They left for dinner before coming back to load the truck up.  
  
Now sitting in a pizza place down the street, Jess had a smile on his face. Luke thought he was hallucinating for a moment. Maybe he was finally cracking up. It'd been a long week, after all.  
  
"You know, we used to come here all the time."  
  
"You and Liz?"  
  
"Yeah, not for a while, but all the time when I was little."  
  
"Do you want to go somewhere else?"  
  
"No. No, it's just. She wasn't so bad all the time, you know? Sometimes she'd snap out of it and be a real person. Almost mom-like. We'd go out for pizza and then she'd take me to the park. We'd get ice cream cones."  
  
"You know, she couldn't really help it."  
  
"I know. I never told her that. I just wanted a regular mom. One that wasn't nuts."  
  
"I think Jimmy leaving didn't help."  
  
Jess snorted. "Ya think?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"I think the most sane thing she ever did was send me to you. Look, Luke, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time. I wasn't-I just,"  
  
"It's okay, Jess, you're family. Enough said."  
  
"I owe you more than that. All you ever tried to do was help, and Rory, god, I was horrible to both of you. I'm just not used to the having someone thing, you know? It's no excuse, but I'm going to be better. School and work, and I'm paying you rent."  
  
"Jess, about Rory."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just, do you think it's a good idea to see her again? I mean, she was pretty upset when you left, she went through a rough time."  
  
"I called her."  
  
"When?"  
  
"When I was in California. It was the day she graduated."  
  
"What'd she say?"  
  
"Tons. That I screwed up. That she might have loved me. That she would've helped me if I had said anything to her. That she was moving on."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Nothing?"  
  
"Not even hello. She knew it was me, though. She let me have it. I think she was crying, or trying not too. I couldn't say anything that she hadn't, so she got done, and we hung up."  
  
"Wow."  
  
"I don't think it's a good idea to see her, but, I'm sure she's fine. She's at school, and she's got her mom and friends. I'm sure even a boyfriend."  
  
"No."  
  
"No? She doesn't have school?"  
  
"No, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She went out on a date, but it was somewhat of a disaster."  
  
"She tells you about her dates?"  
  
"NO, I was at Lorelai's watching movies when she called, during the date."  
  
"YOU were watching movies at LORELAI's?"  
  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
"Really." He raised an eyebrow at Luke.  
  
"Shut up. It was just a movie."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Back to Rory, please."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Just don't, you know,"  
  
"Do anything stupid? Hurt her? Too late, Luke. I'll try to be out of her way."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Inside the truck. The next day.  
  
Jess had the radio blaring, reading while Luke drove. Luke was thinking about Lorelai, Nicole, the town, and what he'd have to deal with when he got back. He looked over at Jess, who was his number one priority right now. Helping him with finding a job, getting into a school, that's all he wanted to deal with right now, because everything else in his life was too scary. The routine had been thrown away.  
  
Luke reached over and turned down the radio. Jess looked up from his book to his uncle.  
  
"Uh, Jess, there are some things, that uh, well, some stuff happened after you left, I just don't want you to be surprised when you get back."  
  
"What, did Taylor finally lose it and declare himself President of Stars Hollow Land?"  
  
"No, I mean-well, I got married."  
  
"To Lorelai?"  
  
"WHAT? No, to Nicole."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we were on a boat, and I don't know. We had it annulled."  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Well, we were getting a divorce. And she decided she wanted to not get a divorce, and start dating again."  
  
"Did Lorelai have a heart attack about any of this?"  
  
"Sort of. But more so when I told her I was moving to Litchfield with Nicole."  
  
"WHAT? I thought we were going to Stars Hollow?"  
  
"We are. I was going to move in with Nicole, but after the fight I had with Lor, I just, well, didn't make any plans with Nicole, and then I got the call from the hospital. So, we're going to Stars Hollow. And there might be some uh, confrontations from women, and I'd like no grief from you. I'll help you do whatever you want, job, school, apartment if you get tired of living with me, if you want, but just, know that I have this situation, and yeah. That's all."  
  
"Wow, so wait, you're married?"  
  
"Yes." Luke said in a strained voice.  
  
"Huh." Jess chuckled to himself.  
  
"What?" Same strained voice.  
  
"Nothing, just sorry. I have to get this out of my system."  
  
"You do that. You're also unpacking all this by yourself."  
  
"No, no I'm sorry. Wait."  
  
Luke stopped the truck in front of the diner and got out, leaving jess in the truck. Jess scrambled out to follow Luke, but stopped dead when he saw a familiar reflection in the glass. 


	2. 2

Thanks for the reviewing! As before, all rights belong to ASP. The story is based on spoilers for the February episodes with the Luke/Nicole/Lorelai story. Jess is back, but not based on spoilers.  
  
Without further ado. . . .  
  
Stars Hollow. Day  
  
Jess stands stock-still. He wants to run in and follow Luke, but his feet aren't letting him. He appears to be staring into the diner. After a moment of holding the diner door open to no avail, Luke turns to see Jess frozen in place.  
  
"Jess, c'mon, let's get a move on. These boxes aren't going to unload themselves."  
  
Nothing. Then footsteps, turning into a run. Luke looks up to see Rory running towards the direction of the Gilmore residence.  
  
"Shit."  
  
"You said that right. I'm sorry, Luke, I thought she'd be at school, not, well, right there."  
  
"I know. Don't worry about it. She saw you, no harm, no foul. Let's get your stuff upstairs."  
  
Jess nodded. He wasn't so sure about the no harm, no foul thing. He was pretty sure he'd caused some more harm. If only he could talk to her, find the words, any words to explain to her. If only she'd listen if he tried. Deciding Luke was right about the more pertinent task at hand, he grabbed his bags and followed Luke into the diner.  
  
Gilmore residence, moments later  
  
"MOM!!"  
  
"MOM!!!"  
  
Rory Gilmore had never needed her mother more than she did right now. Where in the world could she be? Why, oh, why had she come home? She had a long weekend, and she could have stayed on campus to work on any number of things-articles for the Yale Daily News, reading for her numerous classes, but no, no she had to come home for some of Luke's coffee and girl time with her mother. She was going to surprise her mom, but the surprise was on her. No mom in sight. Just Jess.  
  
She reached instead for her cell phone and called her mom.  
  
"This better be good."  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Yes, where are you?"  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"Stop that-I'm at home."  
  
"OH, well, I'm not."  
  
"Gee, really? Could you be a little more vague?"  
  
"I'm in Hartford."  
  
"At Grandma's?"  
  
"Rory. I know you've been at school a while now, out of the loop, and well, you do remember my mother don't you?"  
  
"Mom, where are you, I need to talk to you."  
  
"Sorry, honey. I'm at Jason's. Do you need me to come home?"  
  
"No, I don't want to interrupt your date, or whatever dirty things you might be doing, but I just-well, I came home to surprise you, and stopped by Luke's to get some coffee first, but all I saw was--,"  
  
"Luke isn't in town." Lorelai grimaced. Why hadn't she at least told Rory that Luke was out of town? She mentally kicked herself. 'Because how would you know she'd come home and not mention it?' she thought to herself.  
  
"Well, yeah he is. He was going into the diner, his truck was out front filled with all these boxes, and Jess-Mom, Jess is here."  
  
"I'm sorry, Look, I'll be right home, okay? We'll get some movies and buy out the candy aisle at Doose's. I promise. Start all that laundry I'm sure you brought, and I'll be right there."  
  
"Thanks mom. You don't have to," Rory started.  
  
"I'll be right there."  
  
Lorelai jumped into her Jeep and dialed her cell phone expertly, while pulling onto the interstate.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Luke, it's Lorelai."  
  
"Oh, hi, look, I'm back and--,"  
  
"OH, I know all about that. Rory just called me."  
  
"I know, I figured she, wait, where are you?"  
  
"I was out, she called on my cell. You know she saw Jess?"  
  
"Yeah, poor guy just stood there staring at her reflection in the glass and she took off."  
  
"What am I going to do? Should they talk? I know he's going through a rough time right now, but I want to kill him for making Rory nuts like this."  
  
" I know. Let's just keep them to their respective quarters till they are ready to deal with seeing each other again, okay?"  
  
"Okay, I'll be in tomorrow morning, for lots of to-go coffee."  
  
"Good. I'll see if I can't throw in some Danishes for Rory."  
  
"Thanks Luke."  
  
Gilmore Residence, later that evening.  
  
"Okay, child, I'm home, where are thee?"  
  
"Kitchen!"  
  
Lorelai walked into the kitchen, to see Rory in her pink bunny slippers and cake pajamas rummaging through the freezer.  
  
"Honey? What are you doing?"  
  
"Looking for ice cream. When was the last time you went to the store, there is nothing in here."  
  
"Rory, you do remember the first eighteen years of your life, right? I'm your mother. I don't cook. Sometimes I manage to keep three items in both the refrigerator and freezer at the same time. I've been busy with the new Inn, dating Jason, spending a few nights a week at his place, and I haven't had much time."  
  
Lorelai looked sheepishly at her daughter at the last admission. Sleeping at a guy's place was a new realm of discussion for them.  
  
"Oh, I didn't realize you, I mean, um. Wow. Okay."  
  
"Hey, why don't you get changed back into normal people clothes, and we'll go to Doose's, then you can change back into that lovely ensemble you're currently um, ready to mope in?"  
  
"I'm not moping. I'm just a little shell-shocked. I mean, Mom, he's supposed to be in California. Far away from here. Not standing in front of the best coffee place in the whole world. He's not a part of my life anymore, and he's supposed to stay away. He went away, he chose to go, not to tell me, so now he should have to stay gone."  
  
"Honey, I know this is hard for you to see him. I know it was really rough on you when he left, but I've talked to Luke, and he does have a good reason for being here. Just don't be too rough on him. He's not here to make your life weird or hard. Okay?"  
  
"Are you sticking up for Jess? You hate Jess! I can't believe this," Rory paused, thinking about how softly her mom had just tried to talk her down, actually defending her ex-boyfriend who should previously would have loved to had shot.  
  
"He has a good reason, huh? Nothing to do with me?"  
  
"Well, I can't promise there's NOTHING to do with you, but yeah. It's not my place to tell you. If he wants to, he can."  
  
"Okay, let's go to Doose's. I'll change."  
  
Luke's Diner. Two days later.  
  
Lorelai came into the diner. Luke was behind the counter. It was a slow day, just a few patrons scattered about. Luke's head popped up when he saw her, and reached to get coffee.  
  
"Ah, you're good. No ordering needed. Where else do I get such service?"  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"She's good. She came home because she has a long weekend from school. She wanted to have some girl time with old mom. She wanted to surprise me. Poor thing."  
  
"Not what she bargained for, huh?"  
  
"No, I mean, last time she came home unexpected, she ran into Dean when he was getting married. You'd think she'd get the hint from the universe and start calling ahead." Lorelai smiled at Luke.  
  
"So, uh, how's he?"  
  
"Well, he's okay. He's different, well, he's been though a lot, but mostly he just talks more. Less sarcasm. It's sort of nice."  
  
"Huh. There's a shock. Never thought I'd see the day he actually spoke in full sentences."  
  
Jess came down the stairs five minutes later, as Lorelai sat sipping her coffee, talking on her cell phone to Sookie. Luke had given up trying to tell her to get out when a group of people walked into the diner. He left to take their orders, giving Lorelai one last warning look.  
  
Lorelai glanced up when she saw movement at the curtain and wrapped up her conversation. She smiled at Jess, and he looked confused for a moment, wondering if she was mistaking him for someone else.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Hi."  
  
"So, how was California?"  
  
"Uh, it was fine I guess. Can I get you something to go with that coffee?"  
  
"Hmm, oh, no, I have to get going. Guess I'll see you around."  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." Jess shook his head, unsure of what had just transpired.  
  
Luke looked back at Jess. They shared a bewildered moment and went back to their work.  
  
Luke's apartment, night.  
  
"So, uh, what did Lorelai say to you?"  
  
"She asked how California was."  
  
"Oh. And you two, you know, talked?"  
  
"Not much. I didn't expect her to talk to me at all, though."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I was thinking of trying to talk to Rory."  
  
"Jess. . ."  
  
" I know. Not right now. I'm going to start school first, get my life set up some more, and figure out a way to get her to listen. I know it has to be good, and I'm not going to try to get her back. I know I don't deserve that, I just; I just need her to be able to talk to me. To look at me and not run away."  
  
"I know."  
  
A week passes. Jess doesn't see Rory; he assumes she's gone back to school. Lorelai comes in same as she always has. He's seen all the same townspeople; no one really seems to have changed. Patty still harasses him, or rather his posterior. Babette and Morey still come in and talk about their cats. Taylor comes in for his and Luke's weekly screaming match and Kirk comes in with a girl he keeps announcing to everyone as his girlfriend. That sort of freaked him out, to be honest. He went to Hartford to see about starting the next quarter classes there. He filled out paperwork and talked to a dean in the English department. He was thinking of majoring in English and seeing what he was really interested in.  
  
Feeling pretty positive in general after meeting with the dean, he heads to a bookstore not too far from campus. He stays in there for a couple of hours, letting the smell of the used books wrap around him like a comforting blanket. He wanders over to the poetry section to see what kind of selection they have. He sees a copy of Howl and smiles. For a moment, he's lost in a memory, of taking her copy to make notes in it for her. When he gave it back to her, her only response had been 'hey, you've read this before!' That was the start of their friendship. She didn't look at him as a thief who'd taken her book. She'd been interested to see what he'd written in the margins, to see what his opinions were.  
  
Suddenly, Jess got an idea. It might not work, but anything was worth a try. He left the bookstore and went back to Luke's to find what he needed to get Rory to talk to him again.  
  
AN: Don't worry, there will be some RJ interaction soon. This felt like a good stopping place-besides there's a new episode on tonight, I can't be missing that! 


	3. 3

Blah, blah. I own nothing. I just really missed Jess. On with the story.  
  
A few days later  
  
Luke came downstairs a little later than normal. He had Jess around to help out in the mornings at the diner, and Lane closing most evenings, so he was really out of things to do. It was a relief to have help he could really rely on to get the necessary business aspects done. He almost had too much free time.  
  
He'd talked to Lorelai many times since he and Jess had gotten home. They talked to each other like nothing had changed. No mention of their fight in fact had occurred at all. If he hadn't been so relieved, it would worry him. Could they just swallow this one? He hoped so.  
  
Nicole, on the other hand, he hadn't talked to at all. He was afraid to call her, last she knew they were going to move in together. He wouldn't commit to a certain day, and she was getting frustrated at him, but kept saying she'd talk to him later. Then this long period of silence since the funeral.  
  
Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, he saw it. What he had dreaded. Nicole sitting at the counter, drinking a cup of tea. She looked up when he stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
"Hey, Luke, I need to get going to class, are you okay here without me?"  
  
Luke only barely heard Jess. Jess came over to him and waved his hand in front of Luke's face.  
  
"Luke??"  
  
"Yeah, you have class. Go ahead. Have fun."  
  
"Sure thing."  
  
With that, Jess left the diner, leaving Luke mostly alone with Nicole. There were a few customers, but they were already served, he noticed before walking over to the counter behind where she sat.  
  
"Hi, Luke."  
  
"Hey, Nicole. Uh, I."  
  
"So Jess is back, huh?"  
  
"Yeah. He is. I meant to call you before, but everything sort of happened at once, and," Luke cut off his rambling and looked at Nicole. She didn't look really upset, just sort of sad and tired.  
  
"Look, Luke, I get it. The moving in together thing isn't going to happen. Obviously you've got a lot going on here. Are you done with us, should we keep trying? Because I'm not getting a desire to do that from you. I don't want to push this. I can put the papers through and we're all done. Just tell me."  
  
"I'm sorry Nicole. I like you, I do. It's just, Liz died, and I have Jess back again. I need to be there for him, and no, I don't think we're going to work us out. I'm sorry. Really, I am."  
  
"It's okay. I'll just tell the guys to file the papers. Maybe I'll see you sometime. If not, well, have a good life, Luke."  
  
"You too, Nicole."  
  
With that, she finished her tea and left. He wasn't sad, like you should be when your marriage ends. Marriage. Who was he kidding? He hadn't loved Nicole, not really. He'd liked her and was tired of being alone. He made a rash mistake, they'd not made a life together.  
  
But now he had Jess to worry about. Not that there was a lot of worrying going on. Jess was starting school. He came home and actually read things for his classes. He talked about it, like he was enjoying himself. He was still looking for other jobs, but Luke had told him to take his time and find something that he would really enjoy. He could help out as long as that took.  
  
Later that evening  
  
Jess came home from classes and headed up the stairs. Luke saw him arrive and left Lane in charge of the diner while he went to talk to him. Or at least go stare at him till Jess said something. He'd take what he could get.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"How were classes?"  
  
"Fine. Oh, I was talking to a professor of mine that might know of an internship at some publishing company. He's going to see if he can get me an interview."  
  
"Wow, that's great. Sounds like a good opportunity."  
  
"Yeah, it's funny. Since I started to try to face my life, it's going a little better."  
  
"Have you talked to Rory at all?"  
  
"No, but I did think of a way to try. I've been working on what to tell her."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Not to lock you out of my life or anything, but I'd like to kind of keep that to myself, at least until I see if it's going to work."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. No problem."  
  
With that, Luke went back downstairs and Jess opened up his copy of Howl. It was small, and he was almost done writing in the margins. After he finished, he went back to the notebook he'd been writing in. He'd actually started writing in it in California, trying to write her letters, trying to tell her why he had to leave. There were a lot of started letters, unfinished in there. After a while and many failed letter attempts, he'd been writing in it like a journal. His journal, for her eyes only. He just hoped she'd read it and understand.  
  
Two days later. Rory's Dorm room at Yale.  
  
Rory sits at her desk, trying for the hundredth time to concentrate on her book. She hears the squeaking of the trampoline in the front room. Janet never quits moving, she swears. The phone has been ringing off the hook, as Jamie has been trying to talk to Paris. Feeling guilty and now slightly pissed, when he last called, Rory informed him that she was trying to study, had taken all fifteen of his messages for her that day and she would in fact tell Paris to call him when she sees her. At least that stopped the incessant calling. Now she just had to stop that damn squeaking.  
  
Like a mind reader, Janet stopped at that moment. Sweet relief, thought Rory, as she finally began to concentrate on her book. Until she heard her name, that is.  
  
"Rory? There's a delivery for you at the door." Janet peeked her head in Rory and Paris' room.  
  
"A delivery? Must be another care package from Sookie!"  
  
Rory jumped up to collect her goodies and ran with Janet into the front room. The deliveryman was holding a large envelope and a pad for her to sign. She signed and thanked him. It had her name on it, but no return address. Janet looked at her and shrugged.  
  
"Guess it's not treats?"  
  
"I'd guess not."  
  
Unsure of whether or not she wanted to open mysterious envelope, she stared at it like it might bite her if she opened it. Finally her curiosity got the better of her and she carefully slit it open. Inside she saw a notebook and a copy of Howl. She smiled slightly at the book. She already had a copy, who would. . . her mind wandered to Jess. She'd seen him a week or so ago when she'd gone home. Neither had spoken, he'd seemed almost afraid to be near her. She didn't know why he was there, but she was trying to put it out of her mind. She was moving on. Well, she wanted to move on.  
  
She opened the copy of Howl when her stroll down memory lane ended to see his handwriting in the margins. Memories now flooded her at a drowning pace. The first time they met, then a swirling scene unfolded until she saw him for the last time. On that bus. When he was leaving her. She shoved the memories out of the way. Why would he send her this? His copy of Howl? She already had his notes in the margins of her book, making it impossible for her to read anymore without thinking of him. What she needed was a brand new copy, she thought. At this point, the notebook slipped from her lap, almost as if it were nudging her to pick it up and read.  
  
Flipping open its front cover, she saw the words, 'Dear Rory,' then a blank page. She flipped the page. 'Rory, I've been trying to think of what I can say.' Then a blank page. She smiled. Each page was dated, like a journal, or the beginning of a letter. The first dated the day after he left her, the next a few days later. It was as if she could feel the uncertainty coursing through him, she wanted to help him find the words to tell her.  
  
Then she became enraged. How can he still do this to me? He's not my problem anymore; I can't go around wanting to help him! Especially help him fix things with me. HE screwed up; I'm not going to fix that for him. He hurt me. I never did anything but try to listen and understand him.  
  
'And judge him'. The thought crept into her head. But he deserved it. Okay, well, not all of it. 'I should have given him more of a chance'. Okay, here we go, I'll flip through this. That's the only chance he's getting. If I'm disappointed then, I'll go home and find him and have Luke kill him.  
  
She found about twenty more pages of unfinished and scratched out beginnings of letters. She began to smile, remembering trying to write Jess a letter from Washington after she'd kissed him. After she'd left him. Without a word. Okay, so now she was a lot more willing to read this now. He must have sent it for a reason.  
  
Finally she got to a full page. It was almost a surprise; she'd expected the whole notebook to be mostly blank pages. It was dated about three weeks before she saw him at Luke's.  
  
January 8, 2004  
  
Rory. I've given up trying to write you a letter. I want to tell you why I left, but I can't find the words. I want to tell you I know I shouldn't have left you, one of the only things that was good in my life, but I can't find the right words for that either. Why did you say you think you might have loved me? Sometimes I wanted to tell you that you didn't know me, that you wouldn't have wanted the person you were really dating. I know this; I've spent a lifetime with me.  
  
Rory looked up from the notebook, shaking her head a little. Was he finally opening up to her?  
  
January 16, 2004 I figure if I can get a little out at a time, process some of this, it might make sense to me, and hopefully to you too. Let's start with why I came to California. Yes, California. Venice Beach, actually. My dad came to see me right before I left. I'd never met him, Rory. I know you didn't know that. He walked out the night I was born. He left my mom, who couldn't even take care of herself, with me. Just left. I've hated him all my life. All I've ever heard is what my mom told me of him, which I must say, was never flattering. Not that I needed extra reasons for hating him. His not wanting me was enough, I must say. I know you understand what I'm talking about-not that I think you were unwanted by your father, but not having him around, well, I always thought for some reason you felt that too. Anyhow, I'd managed to make a mess out of school. I thought I was going to graduate, I really did. But then they told me I wasn't, and I couldn't go to prom, well, I figured that you'd hate me. I hated myself. So when he showed up, I figured I might be able to go there. Get away from what I'd created, this whole mess. I didn't want to leave you. I wanted to tell you these things, but I didn't want to drag you down with me. It was bad enough I ruined your only prom, but I didn't want you to miss Europe or Yale or any of the wonderful things you had in store for you.  
  
Rory looked up with tears in her eyes. He'd never met his dad before. She'd always known he lived with just his mom, but to have never met your own father? Her relationship with her dad wasn't the most stellar, but at least he was in her life sometimes. Her heart began to melt and break a little as she read on. 


	4. 4

Back again. I still own nothing. I would give my right arm to claim GG. I digress.  
  
February 1, 2004 So I've met my dad. I see how he lives. I don't want to be him. I feel like out here in California, I've stepped out of the darkness that was my life in New York, which I carried to Stars Hollow. Living with my mom, her depression, her insane mood swings, how was I supposed to thrive? She didn't care what the hell I did if she was depressed, if she lived or died or if I did either. She sent me away because I got into some trouble when I ditched school, and she realized in a moment of uncommon sanity that I wasn't going to live if I stayed with her. And Luke was the only stable thing in her life, ever, so that's where I got sent. Into your unsuspecting world. Rory, it's just that out here, I see that I didn't let you and Luke do what you were trying so desperately to do-to just help me out. I was so used to having to pick up pieces of my mom and then rely on myself, I didn't know how. Not that Jimmy was offering to be father of the year for me. But he let me crash on his couch, he didn't pry and he listened. He apologized, and I let a lot of the hate go. With that gone, I saw that I didn't want to turn into him. I wanted to make it, I wanted to live. I wanted to make you smile. Remember when I was good at that? I wanted to let Luke know he didn't fail. I got a job. I took the GED, and I've even been looking into colleges. I want to call you again, but I'm so afraid. I know I don't deserve for you to care.  
  
February 11, 2004 She's gone. No warning, just a call from Luke who was smart enough to know where to reach me. The only one from the East Coast who really still cares. My mom is dead, Rory. I know for you, that statement would be something you'd never get over. That would be your best friend in the world who was suddenly gone from your life. But to me, it's a woman I couldn't wait to get away from. I loved her because she was my mother, but I hated her because she thought I was too much for her to deal with. I was a problem to be solved for her. It's harsh, but true. So here I am, in New York. Luke is with me, and he's going to let me come back. I'm sure I'll run into you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had no idea how to make it okay with us. Maybe you'll understand I'm not going to make your life harder, but maybe to make mine a little better. If you have any compassion for me left at all.  
  
Rory had to put down the journal. It was now close to dinnertime, but she couldn't put down the journal. His mom died? That's why he came back with Luke; the boxes weren't his, but his mom's stuff? She couldn't imagine having to pack up her mom's stuff. Luke was sort of all Jess had left now. She had to call her mom. But there were still pages left in the journal, she read on.  
February 15, 2004 You saw me. I'm sorry, I couldn't even move when I realized. I felt like if I moved, the glass would shatter and you would disappear from my sight. But you ran. I don't blame you. But that was days ago, and you've gone from town again. I wanted to run after you, I really did. But I knew you'd scream and I'd probably put up a wall and scream back, making it worse. I don't want to make it worse Rory. So I waited, and thought. I thought about what might make you want to talk to me again. Not love me again, that is too much to ask from you. I don't want to win you back, I just want to be able to have you look at me and not run away. To talk to you about a book again. To see you smile. That's all I wanted. So I thought about how it started. I found Howl, with all my notes. I'm not apologizing for who I am or was. I'm in college, Rory. I started classes, and I love it. I'm living up to who I want to be, not who I thought I was stuck being. Luke has been more than forgiving. I don't expect that of you, but I thought if anything you deserved a reason. Now you know why I felt I had to leave, and why I'm back. I met my father and lost my mother. I don't know how long I'll stay with Luke, but for now, I'm doing better. I'm not going to run anywhere when I do go again, I do promise that.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Hey Rory."  
  
"I got a package from Jess today."  
  
"A package?"  
  
"He sent this journal of, well, his thoughts, what's been going on with him. Why he left, and mom, oh, it's just so much, I don't know what to think or do--,"  
  
"Whoa, he sent you his journal? Why?"  
  
"He said he thought I deserved to know why he left. And why he came back."  
  
"Well, okay, I see that."  
  
"You knew about his mom?"  
  
"Yeah, Luke told me."  
  
"I love you, mom."  
  
"I love you too, kid. Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I just have a lot to digest here. I wanted to call you though, sort of hear reality again. You know?"  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
The same night, 2am. Rory's dorm room.  
  
Paris still wasn't home, but Rory hardly noticed. She kept going over and over certain parts of Jess' journal. 'Should I just go find him?' Finally she decided she wasn't getting any sleeping done tonight, and got up to get dressed.  
  
"Whoa, Rory, what are you doing? It's two in the morning."  
  
"Hello to you too, Paris."  
  
"Why are you getting dressed?"  
  
"I have to go home."  
  
"Home? Why?"  
  
"Just something I have to take care of."  
  
"Don't you want to hear about my night?"  
  
"No, I want you to call your freaking boyfriend. He's driving me nuts, calling here all day while I'm trying to study. Either you are with him, or you aren't. He's dying to know. I'm not. Goodbye, Paris."  
  
Paris left standing in her hurried wake; she grabbed her purse and the notebook and made her way to her car. She blared the music all the way to Stars Hollow. It was three in the morning by the time she got home. She pulled into the driveway, and then realized she didn't feel like being in her house. She parked and walked to the bridge, she needed to think some more.  
  
Being February, she had to clear some snow off to sit down. Bundled up in her jacket, she sat and let out a long, visible breath into the cold night air. What could she even say to him? Why had she felt compelled to come all the way here in the middle of the night, this was stupid. She was just about to stand up and head back to her car when she heard footsteps crunching in the snow. She looked up to see a dark figure walking towards her.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Hi."  
  
He stared at her, sitting on the snow covered bridge. She came home in the middle of the week? He'd sent her the journal two days ago, he was dying to ask her if she read it. He didn't want to say anything more till she talked. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  
  
"It looks like you're smoking when you do that."  
  
"Nope, just cold. What are you doing out here?"  
  
"Thinking."  
  
"I see."  
  
Moments passed. He sat down next to her, hardly moving except to breathe. They both appeared to be staring into the frozen water. Finally she spoke.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Yes, Rory?"  
  
"I had no idea. About any of it. I'm sorry you couldn't tell me anything when we together. Here you knew everything about me, you took the time to ask and know everything, but I didn't--,"  
  
"Well, it's not like I was Mr. Informative."  
  
"I know. But, still."  
  
"Rory, this wasn't about you not taking an interest in me. You did. I pushed you away. I know that. You know that. The world knows that."  
  
"Thank you. For telling me, I mean. I'm sorry about your mom."  
  
"Yeah, at least Luke got a hold of me."  
  
"Yeah. I just want you to know, that I forgive you. You know, for leaving without a word, for prom-I wouldn't have hated you. I was just so concerned. I was realizing I loved you and trying to figure out how to tell you I wanted to have sex, and then all of a sudden you were pulling back and then gone--,"  
  
"You wanted to have sex? Rory, I know we're being forgiving, but honestly,"  
  
"No, I did-just not in Kyle's bedroom, or anywhere that adults could walk in at any moment. I wanted it to be about us, on our own time. It felt right, because I loved you."  
  
"Wow. I had no idea. I guess that neither us were communicative enough."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Does Lorelai know, about the wanting to have sex thing?"  
  
"Yeah, why?"  
  
"Sudden fear for my life, that's all."  
  
"Well, I think you're safe. I told her back in March of last year. And we aren't exactly dating anymore."  
  
"Right. Still afraid." He smiled at her, and she returned it.  
  
"Do you want some coffee? We could keep talking at the diner instead of out here freezing out asses off."  
  
Rory laughed. It felt great to be able to talk to Jess again, and could she ever turn down coffee? She nodded at him and took his outstretched hand to pull herself up. They walked side by side in the snow to the warm diner. 


	5. 5

I own nothing. Just the thoughts in my head.  
  
It'd been a week since Rory and Jess had met on the bridge. She went back to school in time for her first class. She had breakfast with Lorelai at Luke's and left. Luke and Lorelai kept giving them funny looks, but said nothing about it at the time. Afterwards, they both agreed to pump their respective kid for information. They were mostly just glad they weren't screaming or crying afterwards.  
  
Luke's Diner. Mid-afternoon  
  
"Hey, Luke!"  
  
"You're in a good mood!"  
  
"Ah, well, why shouldn't I be? The inn is almost finished, and now I get coffee. Life is perfect."  
  
"Such simple things make you happy."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm a low maintenance kind of girl."  
  
Luke snorted, shook his head and went to get her coffee.  
  
"What? Geez, I'm not sure I like the attitude that comes with the service around here."  
  
"Sorry, wouldn't want to lose that tip."  
  
"That's right, mister. Hey, Luke, can I ask you something?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, remember oh so long ago, we had a fight about you moving away? I know you obviously didn't, but what happened with you and Nicole?"  
  
"Well, uh, she stopped by and we talked, and agreed that we should just put the paperwork through. Now we're divorced."  
  
"You're not married anymore?"  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Just, you know, wondering. In case I'd have to introduce you to someone, so I know what to say, oh this is my married friend, Luke, or my single friend, Luke."  
  
"Why can't you say my friend Luke? Single in front of is sounds sort of pathetic. Like you're-oh god, you aren't going to set me up with someone are you? I hate that."  
  
"No, no, I'm not. I just, really, I really just wondered. That's all."  
  
"Okay. Good."  
  
"Good."  
  
"So, uh, did you hear anything from Rory about the encounter?"  
  
"The encounter? Luke, that sounds so foreboding, so well, dirty!"  
  
"Lorelai. . ."  
  
"Okay, jeesh, let's see. She said they talked. And it was nice."  
  
"She gets that from you, you know."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The lack of pertinent information at crucial times."  
  
"I got more out of her, I have my ways."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well, he'd sent her some journal, and they talked about the fact that he was sorry for leaving her and they seemed unusually mature about it really. Then they came back here for coffee and talked about the classes they were taking. Very innocent."  
  
"Yeah, that's what he said."  
  
"He told you about it?"  
  
"Yes. Why is that hard to believe?"  
  
"Sorry, it's just, well, times have changed. You two having heart-to- hearts."  
  
"We're not women, I just asked if she'd wanted to kill him, he said no, told me how he'd managed to get her to listen and that it was good. You know, they've talked a few times this week over the phone."  
  
"You are women!"  
  
"Shut up and drink your coffee, before I take it away."  
  
"Mean."  
  
"Women." Luke muttered and walked away to ring up someone's order.  
  
Rory's Dorm. Saturday night.  
  
Knock, knock, knock.  
  
Rory's head popped up. She wasn't expecting anyone. She'd curled up on the sofa to watch DVD's all night since she was the only roommate home this weekend, she thought she'd go all out. She ordered Indian food, and was enjoying some of her favorite movies. She wrapped her blanket around her and paused her movie before heading to the door.  
  
Jess was standing on the other side of the door. She looked at him for a moment with a look of shock on her face.  
  
"Are you sick?"  
  
"What? No. Why?"  
  
"The blanket, you look like you were in bed-it's only 7 on a Saturday night."  
  
"Oh, I was on the sofa watching movies."  
  
"Oh, right. Can I come in?"  
  
"Yeah, sorry, come on in."  
  
"So this is a dorm room, huh?"  
  
"This is our suite. I share it with three other girls and all their stuff, mind you."  
  
"Right. What are you-are you watching Almost Famous?" He smirked at her. She'd been caught.  
  
"Well, you see it enough, it grows on you." She mumbled at him.  
  
"I converted you."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Can we sit, I wanted to tell you something."  
  
"Sure, c'mon."  
  
They settled down onto her couch, and she turned the television off.  
  
"I told you about that internship the professor told me to check out? The publishing house?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, I went and interviewed for it a while ago, and I got a letter today saying I got it."  
  
"Wow, Jess, that's great."  
  
Rory leaned the distance between them and gave him a huge hug. He put his arms around her to return the hug and they stayed there, like that for a while. Long enough for her to bury her face into his chest. Long enough for him for smell her shampoo. Finally they both released their grip on the other and leaned back a bit.  
  
"Jess, I,"  
  
"I just wanted to tell you. I wasn't even sure you'd be home, on a Saturday night and all."  
  
"Where would I be?"  
  
"On a date?"  
  
"I don't do much of that. I had one since you and it was a disaster. I'm not really good at small talk with strangers."  
  
"Rory. I thought you'd moved on."  
  
"Well, I moved to Yale. There just hasn't been anyone else that I wanted to, well, I just kept thinking about you, and I,"  
  
Jess took the babbling as a good sign and reached out with a single finger and pressed it up against her lips. She stopped talking and looked into his eyes. Her expression was a mixture of longing, sadness and anticipation. If he didn't kiss her right now, he'd lose his nerve. He hadn't planned on this, but he wasn't going to lose the chance either. He leaned in and replaced his finger with his lips. He kissed her with everything he had, and she was drawn closer. She moved so she was sitting on top of him, straddling his lap.  
  
Blood was rushing all over her body; every part of her felt like it was pounding. He always evoked this response in her. She was almost powerless against him. But that was what she liked the most. Everything in her life was thought out and picked very carefully. He made her lose herself in pleasure. She'd never experienced anything like that before.  
  
When they finally pulled back a bit, panting slightly, he started to speak.  
  
"I didn't come over here for that. I'm not complaining, I just wanted you to know that."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I've missed that. I've missed you so much."  
  
"Me too." Rory's eyes were welling up with tears. One slipped out and fell down her cheek.  
  
"Hey, do you want me to go?"  
  
"What, no, I just. Are we doing this? Cause we're doing good, I feel like it could be different this time. It could work better."  
  
Jess wiped the tear from her cheek.  
  
"I think so too. I want it, too. I know you might take a while not to doubt me."  
  
"Jess, as far as I'm concerned we're even. I left you, you left me. But this is where we keep ending up. Together. How can I doubt that?"  
  
Jess pulled Rory's lips back down to his own, kissing her with more passion than he'd ever felt in his life. She responded and began taking off her shirt. He pulled back a little and looked at her. She met his gaze and smiled.  
  
"Rory, this would be a wonderful avenue to continue down, but if this is going to work, don't you think we might want to keep going kind of, well, slower?"  
  
"Jess, how often do you think I get suite to myself?"  
  
"I know, but there are other places we can go to be alone. I'll be getting a place of my own soon, and there are hotels in this world-nice ones."  
  
"You're getting your own place?"  
  
"Yeah, that's what I was going to tell you. The internship is in New Haven, and school's in Hartford, so I thought I'd look for my own place. I'll be coming and going all hours of the day and night, driving Luke nuts. And I can afford it now, without the diner, the internship is paid. So as much as I don't want you to stop, tonight, maybe we could just be together."  
  
"So you came here more hoping I'd agree to coffee every once in a while after work and class, huh?"  
  
"Sort of. This is nice, too, though." He smiled and they kissed again.  
  
"Though, uh, maybe we could not wait really long."  
  
"You just can't resist me." She smiled and pushed at his shoulder playfully.  
  
"No, Rory, I really can't."  
  
The End. Thank you for reading. All reviews appreciated. 


End file.
